anatomy of a death foretold

And some times, the only thing you can do is run away.

Ciao bellos et bellas.

Thanks.

Otherwise, I would have been living on a false understanding of happiness and contentment.

I still think of you as a friend and maybe, some day, you'll think the same of me too.

I seriously hope this will not be something I will regret later on. Not like some other things. Gaaaah. I thought I was tenacious; maybe I'm not, after all.

Hmmm.

I do not understand why some people think they can earn respect through fear. Because it just doesn't work that way.

Thanks. It was just what I needed.

&hearts&hearts&hearts

On most days I'm ok, but on some it's all I can do to keep myself from going nutty.

You know the part where you learn a lesson and you tell yourself you're going to commit it to memory? Like you know, separate darks from lights and reds from everything else. Clean your desk before the clutter takes a life of its own. Take time to say hello and thank you. Read voraciously, question relentlessly. Or that letting go means letting go. Yeah, that part. Unfortunately, it's also the one where you do everything but what you said you will (or what you know you should).

Oh well. La dee da. Everything's going to be allllllll-right. Soon.

In other funk-ness (and please indulge my little whine), I wish that God would throw a little sunshine my way.

Gah. Gah. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Why do the bleachers seem empty?

YAY TEAM GOD! :)

It's all up to You from here on out! :)

Life hardly ever turns out the way you wanted or hoped it would be. And that's when the grown-up in you have to stand up and take control. You know, give yourself the whole "make the best out of the situation" 9 yards talk and then maybe buy yourself a tall cup of Cafe Valencia Frap as a reward. But sometimes, frustration just takes a hold of you like a vise-grip does whatever it is it was meant to grip (funny plumbing things, methinks) and you throw all semblance of maturity out that figurative window. You want (and succeed) to kick and scream and throw a fuss like the 5 year old demon you once were. Some people scrunch up their noses and call it immaturity. I call it my 2nd childhood. So deal with it.

Pfftthhbbb!

30 second un-dalit, even with cacti legs.

Weirder things have happened, although I have to admit, Singapore is pretty small.

Comebacks are something else, I tell you. *shakes head* Bad writing is even worse. Hahahaha!

Roger that, loud and clear.

Some days, your brain just goes kljdflamfc maeru ml;jac despite (or because of) having a gazillion little lemmings running around in it. And you can't do anything but go, BAH!

Meet Kirby!

I can't wait to go home and play with him!!! *big grin*

On some days I wonder to myself, So is this it?

Tonight, someone asked if I planned to become a Singaporean citizen. My "No" unintentionally came out as "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" (plus the fact that I was in the company of 5 other Singaporeans...heh. Not very culturally sensitive, now are we?). Although I've told myself countless times that regrets should have no part in my life, one or two come out into the open every so often. Like tonight.

I find myself thinking if I would have still said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" if I did this or that, yada yada yada. Some days everything here just seems so...unreal. And yet, my life back at home isn't any less tenuous either. What then is belonging? What is friendship? How do you know if this is where you'll pitch your tent for the long haul, if you've finally found "home"? What is REAL? Maybe I held back too much, maybe I never tried hard enough, maybe I was too proud and thought of myself too highly. Maybe it was the very awful first year and the slightly less scarring second year (though still ick in absolute terms). Ah, the plight of the modern nomad. We don't have donkeys or camels to lug our things around and we buy our food from our favorite grocery store, but we have U-Haul trucks and can change green grocers in a snap. You know you don't belong and in a way, don't really want to because you know you'll be gone soon. And yet, despite our wanderings, there's still that desire for rootedness, for a place to call "home base".

I know I should be excited about this next phase; some times I think I am though mostly I'm not. For how can you be excited about something that's still in total darkness? Right now, since I can't go back in time and do things differently, I have to satisfy myself with making the best of what I have.

So is this all there is to it? Your guess is as good as mine.

I can't believe I lost my scissors the 2nd time today. Ahrg. I will NOT be hounded by it. I will not. It's just there...somewhere...and I'll find it. Eventually. In the meantime, I will focus my energies on deconstructing my inner demons. Hello, Angst. I thought I was done with you.

It sometimes doesn't feel real, this life I'm living. There are times when I walk (and I do love walking and I'll be forever grateful to the Island for allowing me one of these pleasures I will never get in good ole Manila) and I feel detached from myself. Have any of you ever experienced this or am I just that weird? I know I'm walking and I'm aware of the things I pass and the heat or the greenery around me or whizzing cars or whatever but I'm also aware that I'm aware of the things around me. It's like having a meta-narrative or whatever that fancy lit term was, only with my life as the text.

In this meta-narrative, I get this sensation of waiting--waiting to burst onto the scene, waiting for my time, waiting to take the world by storm. One of my biggest psychosis, I think, was growing up believing (firmly at that) that I will, one day, save the world or some other similar dream of grandness. The quiet life of the status quo, to me, was mediocre and my snobby little self turned its nose away from it. I wanted to DO things and BE someone. On hindsight, I think this is the worse kind of delusion one can ever indulge in. I realize that such fantasies are common among seven or eight year olds; I never figured out, however, why I never grew out of it. Maybe it's part of being a Leo? Maybe it's because I'm a Fong. Maybe, maybe...I'm just plain ornery.

Perhaps the biggest lesson one learns while growing up is one's own humanity.

*sob*

I know, I know...I'm soooooo going to get ribbed for this but look!

It's love!

Once I get my own place, this is going to be one of the first few things I buy. *grin* Still deciding between Empire Red and one of the variants of black.

Domesticity beckons. :p

what goes around, comes around.

***

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:

'If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.'

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
(Romans 12:14, 17a, 19-21)

***

No one said being a Christian was going to be easy. Hrrrmph.

I've said it once and I'll say it again:

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU!!!!

A man who makes a girl cry or want to cry is not a man at all. No wonder you're still single. And so positively gay.

...is to curl up in bed and sleep sleep sleep until I forget. And when I wake up, I'll realize that all this was just a very bad dream. Either that or YM/MSN and my favorite sister.

Unfortunately, I don't have both tonight. :( Boo.